Sexual Variations

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he  lets out this ear splitting yell. 

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely  natural.  I don't see  what the problem is."   

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, How come you never  tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.  When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got up and dressed quickly.  Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. 

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.  Upset, she asked where he'd been.   The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place,  spent the afternoon  making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm  late." 

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and  yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing  golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.  His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. 

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.  The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".